I’m Tired
Rest is a form of resistance, take a fucking nap
Art by me
There is so much chaos going on in the world, and I am now considering a new way of resistance.
Rest.
Honestly, this has been the only time in my life where I've been okay with doing the bare minimum. I'm back home for a second, and at first, it was a shock to my system, but now I'm making Google calendar appointments with myself to go lay in the grass, I’m meditating and opening my third eye and shit, and I have to admit it's kind of nice. Back in New York, my life revolved around me hopping from gig to gig, kicking doors down and getting others slammed in my face, every day was a fight, and I would go through so many ups and downs hoping someone noticed all this effort I was putting in, hoping someone would give me a chance. Now my mindset is shifting to what if I gave myself a chance to be still. How much safer and sane would I be if I allowed myself to breathe.
Just a little while back, someone told me to take a break, and I immediately started to tense up.
Thoughts came rushing through my head like:
How can I possibly take a break in a time like this
I have no excuses now
There is so much work that needs to be done.
But then I had to check myself
Like bitch, we are still in a pandemic
If you can't rest during a pandemic when the hell can you rest?
I got to think about how we live in a culture that only cares about your next product.
Your next show
Your next piece
Your next post
In a way, we've all trained ourselves to be our own little production factories to survive in White America,
and just like a lot of other bullshit in America, that shit is not designed for us to survive.
I have to admit I fear that if I don't regularly produce, I will get left behind. Still, I realized that fear directly steams from me interacting with white supremacy and trying to fulfill this expectation that I must work twice as hard to be considered as equal.
I'm over that.
Working senselessly while the oppressor is allowed an even rewarded for being mediocre is really upsetting to me and my homegirls. So, I'm writing this post to say I can no longer feel guilty for finding moments of peace and black joy.
This time off, I've gotten to know myself the good and the bad the cute and the triflin', and in a way, I have gratitude over this time of rest. So if you're tired, be tired, if you need a moment take it, let it be known that even in a capitalist society, you are allowed to take a step back for your sanity. You are permitted to take care of yourself at this moment. Cause at the end of the day how you gone keep fighting if you never have time to recharge? So this post is just a reminder to take all the time you need sis.
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Today at 7 pm (EST) Artist, Filmmaker, and Performer, Lauren Clark is hosting an hour-long event via zoom for black creatives to check in with each other and discuss how we’re doing and what we’re doing. If you are interested in joining, please contact her via Instagram here.
Remember you are more powerful than you know
Kile Atwater