My Identity is not a Trend
We can never be erased
Pride has came and went. As a queer person, it's always funny observing organizations take down their rainbow branded logos on JULY 1st, switch back to featuring straight-adjacent supermodels, and quickly leave the movement and the people behind. Last year's Pride pre-COVID was a whirlwind. After a solid year of going to therapy, I finally started to get comfortable expressing myself outside of my assigned gender. I did stand up in drag, wore makeup around my friends, and began the process of openly discussing my pronouns. At 27, it felt like I was finally coming into my own. Any given night last June, you could probably find me fighting through crowds of white gays to buy overpriced vodka soda’s at a bar, and dancing alone to Madonna, Britney, and other music catered to the white gay audience. I knew I was out of place in the mainstream gay neighborhoods, but I was starting to reach a point where I wasn't afraid to take up space. I was beginning to figure out that everywhere should be a space where I could exist freely, that is, until I clocked into work.
My shift started like any other shift; I came in with my Starbucks Iced Coffee and sunglasses to hide my hangover as any gay would. I made my way to the sales floor to start my double shift. Once I got to my station, my manager glanced at my nails that were a cute shimmery gold color, and looked at me with disdain as she uttered, "I need you to take off your nail polish before we open." I looked at them for a second because I didn't even think about it, and for someone who was starting to do stand up comedy, and figure out who they are, I was suddenly at a loss for words. Our store was located on a full ass street covered in rainbows. Every storefront from Express to American Eagle, to Wendy's, had some rainbow branding or lazy messaging like "LOVE WHAT MAKES YOU REAL" or "BE TRUE." The only thing I could say to her at that moment was, why? And she told me: "the client would think it was unprofessional."
I wanted to fight for my right to wear a fucking gold nail. I wanted to tell her that I should be able to wear makeup if I wished to, nail polish if I wanted to, and that my expression of myself will always be valid. But at that moment, I went in the back, got some nail polish remover, and started scrubbing away. Shortly after opening, the client came in with a team of all white corporate design people, and they walked right past me like I didn't exist. They were there to do an easy redesign, rainbows in all the window displays for Pride weekend. They didn't even want to do it for the full month, just for the weekend, and I just watched. I watched as the powerful white women snapped their fingers to make rainbows fall from the ceiling. I watched as I put my rubbing alcohol-soaked hands in my pocket, invisible to a movement that I thought was designed for us to be seen? At that moment, I realized to them Pride was not about liberating the queer community; it wasn't about Marsha P. Johnson. For them, it was fundamentally and wholeheartedly about how can they make a sale. Everything around this corporate pride —with rainbow Coca Cola cans and rainbow Listerine bottles, was simply for a profit and in corporate America's Pride, my queerness had nothing to do with it. The team of white people left, my manager asked me if I knew any fun songs to add to the Pride playlist, and I stood there completely exhausted because I realized the only problem would've been me daring to make myself visible.
I have a fantasy in my head where I go up to that team of homogeneous white women and share my opinions openly. If I could relieve that moment, I would say my identity is not up for sale! Queer people of color deserve equal representation every single day. We deserve power in all spaces! If they tried to stop me I would grab my megaphone and yell black people deserve to go to a gay club and hear our music and see our bodies because, without us, none of this would exist! We deserve to see our faces in storefronts well after pride passes because regardless of the season, we can never be erased! And last but not least, at the bare minimum, let us be who we are, nail polish and all. Then I would drop my invoice and twirl away.
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The Black Creative Endeavors Grant is selecting 5 black lead creatives to give 3k to. The deadline is July 31st, 2020. For more info click here.
Remember you are more powerful than you know
Kile Atwater