The Never Ending Quest To Be Yourself

What I've learned between pre-pandemic me and now

This post is dedicated to the confused 28 year old pre-pandemic me, who spent Monday through Sunday hopping from gig to gig with a raggedy tote bag full of wardrobes; one for a catering gig during the day, and one for my drag comedy gig at night. By day I was consumed with making sure I passed out all the hors d'oeuvres before 3 so I can finally take a 15 min break. And by night, I was facing my fears while exploring my gender and making people laugh. I would try my best to network after my gigs but the conversations always turned into — do you have edibles?


This post is dedicated to the confused 28 year old pre-pandemic me who got an email the week before the full lockdown, stating in bold letters: all your work is canceled indefinitely. I got that email while I was running to a comedy gig in full drag with glittery sequins boots. I was so excited to hit the stage and then (1) missed text message displayed on my phone, the gig is canceled. I snatched my wig off and got on the train.

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To be honest, I’m not sure if I was ever really into leaving my house — 28 year old me thinks to myself as I finish a 1-hour meditation and watch my unemployment direct deposit hit. I rather just lay here and watch Atlanta again, I say to myself as I avoid every news channel on TV. I was doing nothing productive and everything productive at the same time. I practiced makeup every day, I developed a yoga habit, I started a newsletter, I started a Youtube, I did everything that I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. No more forced smiles, no more foggy rooms, no more watching the time go by, just moments.

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This post is dedicated to the 29-year-old me, who now understands the value of taking a moment. Who now sees what each of these moments offered:

  • discovery,

  • healing,

  • protection,

  • joy…

And something I never fully experienced before, time. As I reflect on where I’m gonna get this vaccine, I’m writing this as a reminder to myself and everyone reading, even if the hustle starts to pick up, even if you’re hopping from one gig to the next:

  • take a moment,

  • opt-out,

  • opt-in,

  • do your own thing,

because these are your moments, no one else’s.

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This peaceful mix below helped me break my writer’s block and get back into the groove of things.

Remember you are more powerful than you know

Kile Atwater